I was a HAI workshop and we did an exercise where we went around asking things “Who Are you?”… So I went and asked a tree: “Who are you?” and it immediately replied: “who are you?” as if to say:
You’ve carved out a you and made a me and you have the nerve to ask me Who I Am once you have limited me down.
Anyway, here is some information on me.
Serious update on who I am: I just drew a timeline…. I wrote the numbers from 0 to 48, a number for each year of my life. I then wrote down all the negative emotions mentioned in Padmacahaya’s Open Heart Prayer – jealousy, anger, sadness, disappointment, arrogance, etc. I then wrote to the Gnostic Society of Long Beach asking about all psychological defects and the spinal vertabrae. No answer on that yet. Anyway, the bottom line of my research is:
I started experiencing negative emotions around middle school. From 0 to age 11, I cannot recall a single incident involving the negative emotions. And there was a Terrence Brannon moving around, doing various things, but “I” was not controlling that Terrence Brannon – amazingly enough that Terrence Brannon did not get run over or experience any mishaps – *something* was supporting Terrence Brannon but it was not “I” … and when something did occur to Terrence Brannon (like when I stepped in a mound of ants and was crying like crazy) – Terrence Brannon was crying but not suffering. If that happened now, “I” would suffer and make Terrence Brannon suffer too.
Let’s call the above state Phase 1: Terrence Brannon supported by The Love
Now Phase 2 kicks in. “I” am still not really involved with Terrence Brannon. But from the age of 12 (when I tried to bully another kid on the playground) to easily up to age 26 (when I was angry at my research professor), a number of negative emotions and acts were committed, but here is the wild part: “I” did not tell Terrence Brannon to do those things!!!! I look back at those days from 12-26 and ask: “who or what got into Terrence Brannon and had him doing those things???”
Now we are in Phase 3. I would say that phase 3 started around 2007. In Phase 3 “I” am involved with Terrence Brannon. Guiding him around with a bunch of stale, artificial non-spontaneous acts. Loaded down with all sorts of lower-chakra urges. Doing good deeds out of mental training, social conformity and because I guess I should. Repressing all sorts of lower chakra urges because of social pressure and the hope for a higher life.
And now in Phase 3 enter Padmacahaya and their teachings that there is a Love that is waiting to take care of me. and that I need to trust and surrender to it. It very much is similar to the surrender you see in world religions in word, but I would say in deed the healing accomplishments make you feel that they are in touch with *a* True Source if not *the* True Source. Hmm… it’s very hard for me to surrender, but I have felt great things when I have… and if surrender takes me back to Phase 1, then I think that would be a good thing.
Now, age 48, year 2018, “I” am injecting all sorts of negativity in Terrence Brannon on a regular basis – jealousy, fear, worry and dirtying the heart of Terrence Brannon. And all the problems stem from the lower chakras… and trying to setup conditions to fulfill all the lower chakra drives is something we can do… which would create an Infinite Game (for the spiritual systems based on Infinite Games). It would create samsaric hell for someone trying to win the game. And it would create something to transcend and never return to for most Eastern spirituality and religion. For me: it represents all the shit I have to deal with when I dont have a floatation tank to jump in and just let go of every god-damned thing in existence including high-sounding metaphysical theories! By the way, Harry Palmer floated for 8 weeks continuously to channel the cycle of creation and the Avatar teachings, which I would say are in line with creating an infinite game and taking responsibility for all that manifests based on you conceiving a particular I to go around the wheel again and again and again and…